This blog post may not be the best article you read, nor may it be one that will stay within your memory after today; but, I must be candid for a few minutes.
Depression is a serious disease. I should know because without my medication I would be in it all over again. My entire business is around helping other souls with their mindset and their mindset beliefs. My purpose and message to the Universe is to help others manifest whatever it is they truly desire into their lives. My focus and passion is to help any and every soul I can help to live in true, authentic happiness. And today I sort of feel like a fraud after the news of Anthony Bourdain. He was a rare gem in this world, not one to shy away from being 100% honest, even if it made you cringe a little sometimes. I feel defeated in an odd way because I can understand how he must have been feeling. Here I am telling souls day after day that they can successfully shift their mindset, and maybe people who follow me never even knew what I was going through, myself.
However, I am proof that you CAN get better. 9 years ago I tried to take my own life. I remember that night so clearly. I remember bawling in the fetal position on the bathroom floor of my apartment for hours. I remember my inner demons telling me it “can’t get better”. I remember taking a massive amount of prescription pills and trying to slit my wrists to the music of Elton John’s “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”. Little did I know that song was going to play a more pivotal role leading to my own survival.
I was in a really bad relationship with a narcissist for about 2 years. I am an empath, meaning I absorb a lot of people’s energies around me. No matter how hard I try to surround myself with a clear, protective bubble, people’s energies can really soak into me. I remember how my attempt at suicide didn’t work, I felt awful the next day. I was so far down the depression hole at the time that I didn’t feel awful out of guilt- no way. I was so far “gone”. I felt awful because the night before I had sent my “goodbye” emails and there I was still (undeservingly ) breathing the next day. I remember the narcissist telling me, “you only did this to get attention”, when in actuality I did it because I was trying to escape from him, from life, from myself.
So why didn’t it work 9 years ago when I attempted? I realized a few months later everything really does happen for a reason. I truly believe I had to hit “rock bottom” in order to understand what I was actually going through at 26 years old. At the time, when I was in my relationship with the narcissist, I didn’t even know what a “narcissist” was until after I attempted to end it all and shortly after decided to go to cognitive therapy. If I had known that my inner demons were so powerfully volatile, and that there IS actually a light at the end of the tunnel, I may not have tried to so hard to say “goodbye” on that strange night. If I had known and understood the complexities of the brain and outside influences (such as toxic relationships with a narcissist), I may not have had such a strong urge to end it all.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression, I strongly urge going to cognitive therapy. This type of therapy is actually what saved my life the next night, and every night since then until I was fully healed. While I do not hold a PhD in psychology, I do what I can as a mentor to help people shift their mindset to the best of their abilities. It is time to be OPEN and HONEST about depression and mental illness. There is NOTHING wrong with having a mental illness. And it does NOT have to control you and your life. You CAN live in authentic happiness with the proper guidance and support system surrounding you. And it can start today, right now.
Do not give up. Keep going. You are NOT alone. It is perfectly OKAY to seek help. And it is perfectly OKAY to be honest and REAL in this world. Each and every single one of us is a faceted gem that help to shape this world we live in. And you are such a rarity in this Universe. You ARE needed here, with us.
Journal Girl Jaclyn